The Psychopath Translator

Decoding the bullshit

It’s true. Psychopaths (and sociopaths, if you like) aren’t the most straight-talking people in the world. Almost everything we say has some subtext or hidden layer to it, in which we say one thing but mean another. There I go doing it again. What I meant to say is we lie a lot.

This can render effective communication with a psychopath very difficult, but no longer! Now you too can access your very own Psychopath – English dictionary, fully tailored for all your present and future dealings with God’s chosen people.

We’ll start with a smirkingly good contribution, courtesy of M.E. Thomas over at Sociopath World:

The Empath’s Cheat-Sheet for What a Sociopath Really Means

1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.

2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.

3. I’d do anything for you: I’d do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be

4. My condolences for your loss: *crickets* … It’s just a body. See you later when you aren’t being an emotional train-wreck.

5. S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.

6. I love my family: They’re mine.

7. That’s simply shocking: You’ve touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now…

8. Deep down, I feel I’m a good person: I’m not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?

9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.

Thanks, M.E.!

I’ll continue the list myself:

  • 10. “How are you?” – Reply with something interesting or don’t bother.
  • 11. “Please could you…? / Would you mind…? / If it isn’t too much trouble…” – DO IT NOW!
  • 12. “Thank you” – Ha, sucker.
  • 13. “Thank you very much!” – You may be useful later.
  • 14. “Thanks ever so much, mate / buddy / love / dear / baby / hun etc…” – You will be useful later.
  • 15. “I hate you” – Your reaction to hurtful things amuses me.
  • 16. “Yeah, that’s really interesting!” – I stopped listening a while back and am now planning what I’m going to say to you when you finally stop.
  • 17. “It sure was nice meeting you” – I have plans for you.
  • 18. “The pleasure was all mine” – One day that will be true.
  • 19. “Yes, Sir / Madam / Mr X / Mrs Y” – You like getting your arse licked, don’t you? That slight tickle, deep in your anus? That’s the tip of my tongue.
  • 20. “Wow, you’re really [e.g. funny]” – I have recognised that you think you are [e.g. funny] so I will validate that belief and pretend to like it too in order to get you to like me.
  • 21. “Were you close to [deceased relative / pet]?” – All this crying is tedious. How long until you become fun again?
  • 22. “Allow me / Let me help you” – I haven’t got all day, so stand aside, human scum.
  • 23. “Have you thought about…? / Why don’t you try…?” – Are you really this stupid?
  • 24. “I’m really passionate about x” – I don’t give a shit about x, but for some reason you do, so…
  • 25. “Oh no! That’s terrible news!” – Ha! Tell me more! Wait, let me just grab some popcorn and a beer, then I’m all ears.
  • 26. “I’ll be in touch” – I may be in touch, if I can be bothered, or I need something.
  • 27. “I promise” – For as long as you continue to please me, you have nothing to worry about.
  • 28. “It’s my fault” – It’s your fault.
  • 29. “Sorry to change the subject, but…” – You’re boring, shut the fuck up.
  • 30. “I’m bored” – I am really, really, really fucking bored. Rustle me up some entertainment, quick!
  • BONUS! *Winks or pulls stupid face while looking into your eyes* – Either I don’t know what emotion to do, or I’m worried you caught me staring.

Like that

If you have anything to add to the list, or if there other phrases you’d like the Translator to decode, put them in the comments down below.

 

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