How to cry on cue…

…whenever you need to

Boo hoo hoo! From toddler tantrums to sophisticated pity play, knowing how to cry at the drop of a hat is a cornerstone of any manipulator’s arsenal. Read on to learn how to get those tears to flow. You’ll weep with gratitude, I promise.

Practice makes perfect with this one. A mirror and a well-lit room are your friends. Perfect your cry face first as, believe it or not, this is the hard part. Make sure it looks natural by comparing it to real crying episodes as well as the work of skilled actors. In general, it is the whole face (not just the mouth) which sags when somebody is sad enough to cry, so bear this in mind. Put in any sound effects you want at this stage, sobbing, sniffing, shuddering et al. While you are doing this, you may find real tears come naturally. If this is the case, congratulations! You have just manipulated yourself. If not, don’t sweat it, as tears are easy enough to generate by slowing down your blinking to about one every ten seconds. When you feel those tears welling up, blink once to let them fall. If you blink more than once you risk drying your eyes out again (this is after all one of the functions of the eyelid).

As already noted, this requires practice in order to improve. Soon, you will not need nearly as long for tears to come, and you are free to turn those waterworks on and off like a tap (or “faucet”, as I’m told you Americans call them, because why the hell not).

Take a look at this toddler’s funny and not-at-all manufactured hysterics. A budding psychopath in the making, perhaps? BTW, that photo kid’s resemblance to me at that age is uncanny, right down to the stripey 90s fashion statement.

Caption Contest – enter your submission below

My attempt: “Hey, I heard turtle neck sweaters are coming back in too”


 

Holly “Cargo” Harrison manages to squeeze a lone tear out at the 2:56 mark. Take note as a singularity in this path’s lifelong path…