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  • Barbara 06:55 on May 28, 2015 Permalink | Reply
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    TOXIC HOPE 

    Three Reasons Your Relationship
    Will Never Get Better

    L.A. couples therapist featured in Time Magazine uses unique approach to marriage therapy including the acceptance that things won’t change.

    There are three reasons that your relationship cannot improve, even though you keep thinking it will. These are primary problems that are so influential that they are an obstacle that must be cleared before real progress in the relationship is possible.

    #1 Someone is frequently dishonest and that person is unwilling to identify that behavior as an individual problem that he or she wants to work on. An ongoing affair whether it is known or secret.

    #2 Psychological or medical disorders that are not treated. (Or personality disorders that are untreatable)

    These include: depression, manic depression, or menopause disorders, post traumatic stress and anxiety disorders such as obsessive-compulsive or post-traumatic stress disorder. (Include narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy or borderline personality in the personality disorders category)

    Post traumatic Stress is often a result of abusive, neglectful or violent experiences in childhood. These can experiences can profoundly affect how someone later experiences issues of trust and conflict in current relationships. If symptoms from any of these illnesses are present and the person is unwilling to get treatment for it then there is a much reduced prospect for significant change in the relationship. First things first.

    #3 One partner uses physical violence, verbal abuse, psychological manipulation or emotional intimidation and is unwilling to say that this is their individual problem that s/he wants to work on it separately from the relationship.

    Saying, “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” is a good thing to hear from your partner. More importantly though is whether the intimidation ceases. The frequency, intensity or duration should be getting better. If it doesn’t then you may have ‘Toxic Hope.’

    Toxic hope is waiting for someone to change when there is no realistic reason to believe that it will happen. Battered women, or men, who keep hoping something will change, perhaps even when their partner has never even admitted that they have a control problem; are in toxic hope. Even though there is a fair effort made; the frequency and magnitude of the continuing offenses are severe enough that the other partner does not feel safe enough to continue within the relationship.

    We emphasize ‘progress, not perfection’ so the issue isn’t that slips or mistakes are made. The important thing is does the person eventually recognize his or her responsibility in the conflict and can the person show some concern for how that affects you. Or, if one person is unable to reasonably follow the guidelines and is not willing to seek further help.

    What do I mean when I say “an individual problem that he or she is willing to work on separate from the relationship?” Or what is meant by getting ‘further help’? A person can work on the issues they struggle with alone by reading books on the subject of violence or lying but few people are able to do this without the help of others.

    Using the help of others could mean going to a professional therapist who specializes in the area that needs work or it can mean going to a self -help group for that particular problem. If physical violence is the problem then my recommendation is to attend a professionally led anger management or domestic violence group. Having worked for ten years in these groups I can say that the men are pleasantly surprised that they can learn useful methods that benefit their relationships. For most of the men it is the first time that they are exposed to the principle that being vulnerable will not result in being hurt.

    • One partner refuses to ever consider forgiving the other for some past wrong committed by the other, even when that partner has humbly asked for forgiveness.
    • Alcohol or drug dependence or abuse (prescribed medicines too!) Other addictions such as food, sex, spending, gambling or work are huge impediments to progress in a relationship which are sometimes overlooked or simply denied.

    • Leaving a psychologically violent or abusive relationship. If you feel scared that you will be hurt, pursued or injured if you leave then trust your feelings and seek help from a women’s shelter or hotline before taking action. Talk with them and consider the advice or recommendations that is given to you. The most dangerous time, physically, for the abused wife (or husband) is at the time of separating. There were armchair quarterbacks saying Nicole Brown Simpson should have left O.J. and divorced him. She was leaving him! It was then that she was killed.

      If you are physically abused by your partner call 1 800 978-3600 FREE to talk to a domestic violence counselor to learn about resources in your area. You are not alone!

    If violence is occurring in your home then break the isolation. And for the person whose anger is out of control, please seek the competent help of anger management specialists. Why wait for a neighbor’s phone call to initiate your criminal record? Do something courageous and positive NOW! Seek the help of professionals who can help you. Stop saying “I’m sorry.” and take some real steps toward repeating what probably happened in the family you grew up in.

    Checklist Before You Leave:
    If you have done these things then you can leave knowing that you did everything you could before deciding for sure to leave. These do not apply if there is violence, addiction, continuing adultery or unrepentant lying in the relationship. Things to think about when you consider ending a relationship:

    • When your partner apologizes does s/he mention both what s/he did and how s/he’s hurt you?
    • If any form of physical control, intimidation or violence occurs, does it get justified (ie. “I wouldn’t have done it if you didn’t….”)?
    • If apologies are made is there reference made to the person’s intention about changing future behavior, or is there further justification for the disrespectful behavior?
    • Are you growing in this relationship?
    • Does this person have all the signs of having a personality disorder (they can not be fixed or cured)?
    • Is the other person growing in this relationship? Is there improvement? It’s a process. Is there an expressed willingness to grow? Or are you wishing & assuming your partner wants to change his/her behavior and attitudes. Remember we’re looking for ‘Progress and not Perfection’.

    Marc Sadoff, MSW, BCD
    PACIFIC SKILLS TRAINING CO.

     
  • Barbara 06:54 on May 28, 2015 Permalink | Reply
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    POLICE: Slow to Respond to Domestic Violence? 

    IN the 1989 movie, A Cry for Help: The Tracy Thurman Story it all happened in St. Petersburg, Florida when Tracy met Buck. After they got involved, Tracy realized that Buck had a gambling problem. Tracy confronted Buck about him losing money while gambling in front of his friends. Buck became furious and punched the door working his way around Tracy.

    Buck starts yelling and saying how his mother put a gun to his head and asked Tracy never to leave him. Thinking she was seeing his vulnerable side, Tracy felt sorry for him. This duped Tracy into thinking that Buck had a shattered soul and a sense of humanity.

    Not too long, Tracy found out she was pregnant. After telling Buck the news, he beat her for the first time. Tracy then leaves for Connecticut, her hometown and stays with a close friend. Buck follows her to Connecticut and pleads, begs, and promises that it will never happen again. They get married, stayed in Connecticut, and had a baby boy.

    Buck is unable to find work and convinces Tracy to move back to Florida. After losing a game of cards, he goes into a rage and beats Tracy again leaving her with two black eyes. Tracy moves back to Connecticut, only to have Buck follow her and take the baby away from Tracy.

    Tracy gets a restraining order against Buck and he is not allowed in the State of Connecticut or near Tracy’s home. She sees Buck standing in front of her home and calls the cops. The cops cannot find the court order. When the cops come to the house they tell her that he has the right to stand in the street and it would be easier if they weren’t married.

    A couple of days later, Buck is outraged. He shows up at Tracy’s house again screaming for her to come out of the house. This time he doesn’t let up. Tracy calls the cops and tells them that Buck is at the house and asks for a cop car to come by. The cop takes forever to get there. The cop that was assigned to come decides to make a detour and go back to the station for a pit stop.

    When he finally gets there he finds Buck beating Tracy to a pulp. Stabbing her several times, Buck then stomps on her face leaving her paralyzed (paraplegic). The cop with fear in his own eyes doesn’t know how to control Buck. Finally, the cop is able to take the knife away from Buck and puts it in the trunk of the cop car.

    The cop doesn’t handcuff Buck. Buck is screaming at everyone while holding his son. Finally, after the ambulance came, Buck was finally cuffed and taken away.

    Tracy sued the city of Torrington, Connecticut for failing to protect her and Tracy won.
    Today many police departments still ignore Domestic Violence Policies and Protocols.

    “Why is it that when you DO go to the police about someone or something, they treat you like an overwrought woman? tell you its somehow YOUR fault? or patronize you? – Anonymous Abuse Survivor

     
  • Barbara 06:52 on May 28, 2015 Permalink | Reply
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    WHEN OTHERS BELIEVE YOUR ABUSER 

    Since when is it good to be friendly with bad people? Since when is winking at their wrongdoing a virtue?

    Perhaps someone can quote chapter and verse in the comments, because holier-than-thous really deserve to have their religion’s true teachings show what frauds their twisting of religious doctrine makes them.

    In the New Testament, in Revelations, I believe, in one of the letters to the churches, some holier-than-thou Christians are read the riot act for that very same pretense.

    The author unloads both barrels at them with this truth: “Good people are not lukewarm toward evil” it says.

    Cowards are.

    Loving good is hating evil. And vice versa. Love is an attraction; hate a repulsion. But that is too simple for complex people to understand.

    Now I am not saying that we must reject everyone not perfect, for then we would reject everyone, including ourselves. But decent people need no instruction.

    There is a point at which behavior becomes predatory and malicious - a point at which one is morally obligated to separate themselves from that person.
    

    You thus take away a bad actor’s safety in numbers. You show disapproval. You discourage others from behaving the same way. You comfort the victim by showing him or her that the pain caused them by the bad guy matters to you.

    Is any of that evil?

    It’s just a way of discouraging the harm the bad guy is doing others by showing that you want nothing to do with someone who hurts others like that.

    Where is the sin in that, pray tell? Sounds like fine, upstanding conduct to me.

    Jesus spoke of this when he said that “indecent conduct” is a special case and justification for divorce even. At the time, the terms “indecent” or “lewd” conduct simply meant “lowdown” or “despicable” conduct of any sort.

    And that statement of his, qualifying his disapproval of divorce, is just common sense.

    Why? Let’s say you are married to a Mafia boss. Is it right for you live in his big fancy house, being waited on by his hired staff? Is it right for you to PROFIT from the crimes he commits and ther damage he does to people?

    To the contrary:

    it is immoral for you not to divorce him when you find out what he is.
    

    The same people who make a virtue of “accepting” abusive narcissists, relentlessly persecute anyone for any hint of racism or sexism. THAT they won’t tolerate. They wouldn’t DREAM of tolerating anything politically incorrect like that.

    But though they know and believe that the narcissist has brutally abused you, they see no reason to show any disapproval of that.

    Hmmm. Whom do they think they’re fooling?

    They make nothing of that narcissist’s abuse of you. They countenance it.

    If instead they rejected the narcissist, they would be doing the one small thing they could to get on the right side, the victim’s side.

    But they abandon the victim and smile in the abuser’s face.

    Not so holy as they pretend.

    by Kathy Krajco

     
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