Tagged: experiment Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • James 10:25 on August 30, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , baby James, British bragging rights, , , , compassion, experiment, fox news, , , , remember-remember, revenge, , skyfoogle,   

    Random musings of a psychopath II: childhood memories 

    Along the same lines as Part I, but I’ve ditched the freakier elements of the ‘stream of consciousness’ style, which I think was unpopular. Here are some select memories from my childhood (all 5 – 11 years old)

    • In primary school I waged war on another kid in my class just because he had the nerve to also be called Jamie (which was my ‘cute little boy*’ name growing up). He became the target of frequent bullying and turned into one of the weird loner kids in high school. At the same time, I insisted my cousin Jamie (who is a good seven years older than me so kind of already had the dibs) be called Jim at all times when I was present. Even nowadays, whenever I encounter other people with the names James or Jamie, I can’t help but feel a certain heightened antipathy toward them just because they are using ‘my name’. Stupid I know.
    • My birthday is 5th November, which is a holiday in England commemorating the thwarting of the Gunpowder Plot to blow up Parliament (and the king of the day with it, who incidentally was James I. Come to think of it, it’s the 410th anniversary of the whole shabang this year, reminding us all that England’s democracy is hella old). This means that each year my birthday is marked by fireworks displays and huge community bonfires up and down the land. You can imagine how this fed into the ego of a budding psychopath. I was 10 or 11 before I knowingly met someone with the same birthday, and I reacted in much the same way as with the name thieves. She was a bitch, and she had a stupid name; Ailsa Winter. Now I think of it years later, it’s a pretty name really isn’t it? Quite literary. I wonder if she’s pretty too. Time to look her up on Facebook.
    • *By all accounts I was a cute little boy. For the first six years of my life I was blond, hardly ever cried or had tantrums, had good manners and was irrepressibly talkative. I was apparently also very bossy and emotionally manipulative, but that’s by the by. At the age of six I discovered lying and from then until about eight or nine (when the other kids finally caught up) I never understood why nearly all of my classmates would own up to doing ‘bad things’, or dutifully go home and tell their mums they’d been punished. “What idiots,” I would think, “don’t they know they can get away with anything if they just keep their mouths shut or invent a story?”
    • The same year, we had a terrible class teacher (who had a nervous breakdown by Christmas and had to leave, not as a result of any of us I might add) followed by a brilliant one (the headmistress of the school). I’m sure we did actual learning too, but my abiding memory is of the headteacher reading us lots of poems by Michael Rosen. They were hilarious for any six year old to listen to, especially when our teacher substituted the characters’ names for kids in the class. If you know any children around that age, make sure they become acquainted with Rosen. If you / they can’t be bothered actually reading something, he performs all his poems on YouTube these days.
    villageofthedamned.jpg

    Me at age six.

    • Also at the age of six, I hospitalised my friend due to an experiment whereby I was trying to see how many pebbles from the sandpit would fit inside his ear. Not that many, it turned out.
    • There was this boy Cameron who had behavioural problems (looking back, possibly ADHD but I had no clue at the time) and whom I loved winding up, to get him into trouble, but also because ‘Cameron wound up’ was a spectacle to behold. Think tantrums that made the classroom look like a bomb had gone off. I especially liked doing this at lunch, because this really fat no-nonsense lunchtime supervisor would go nuts at him for anything, which would trigger him to lose control and run away in a rage. So I goaded him into hitting me, then went and told Mrs Fatty, which I think was her name. Of course, he ran off, so she would then have to chase him through the corridors, breaking objects and hitting students, catch him and physically restrain him on the floor with her flabby bulk while she waited for the teachers to help her. The memories of these ridiculous scenes still bring a smile to my face.
    • There was another boy, Michael, with far more serious problems than Cameron due to a brain defect which made him kind of thick as well as being unable to regulate his emotions at all. Any time a teacher raised her voice to anyone in the class, this would set Michael off crying hysterically. He even cried when his name featured in the Michael Rosen poetry readings. I took him under my wing for several years, treated him as a friend, defended him from any bullying he might have endured, and even comforted him whenever he was in tears (several times a day). He was a curiosity to me, so different, so unfathomable, I was fascinated. But as everyone grew up, Michael sort of didn’t, and by the end of Year 4 (nine years old) he was no longer interesting. The crying was old hat. What’s more, fear and intolerance toward disability (which I didn’t and still don’t share, but it is important to reflect societal norms in your outward behaviour, lest you yourself be an outcast) was turning most of the so-called empathetic children against him, so I let him go.
    • Despite being thin and nerdy for quite a few years, I was never the target of bullying. Or to put it more accurately a succession of would-be bullies tried to target me once and never dared to have a second go. I dragged one of them along the ground through a lot of stinging nettles and pushed him head first into a active fox den. He came out all scratched and a bit chewed. Another ‘slipped’ on a patch of ice at the top of some steps. He walked away with a dislocated shoulder and a weird neck.
    Cute Baby Fox

    Baby Swiper says: “Leave a comment below, or I’ll go through your bins  and find something to blackmail you with.”

    Advertisements
     
    • Amaterasu Solar 16:23 on August 30, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I was one of those kids everyOne picked on. I was nowhere near as assertive and uncaring of what Others think of Me then as I am now. In reading this, My heart went out to the Ones You provoked – a response I suspect You might struggle to identify with… Still, I appreciate Your (apparent) openness about who and what You are. I can also put Myself in Your shoes, as it were.

      Very interesting read.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Anonymous 08:50 on August 31, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        Thanks, Amy. I can identity with your reaction, even if I don’t understand it. James.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Amaterasu Solar 21:59 on September 1, 2015 Permalink | Reply

          In truth, one of the most difficult things I battled with is accepting the fact that, no matter how much I want to impart a grasp of compassion to psychopaths, I cannot. Almost paradoxical, it is, for it is My compassion which drives My desire to impart… LOL!

          Liked by 1 person

    • James 04:05 on September 2, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Back as myself. How hard have you tried, Amy? With me, you haven’t done anything to impart a grasp of compassion. Try me.

      Like

      • Amaterasu Solar 11:00 on September 2, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        Dear One, I reach out with My heart – for that is where compassion comes from. It is not in words that I try to impart. If I could touch Your breast, I would give it My best go. But I have tried this before with Others, and They feel nothing of what I give. Still, should any psychopath ask, I will surely try again. But over the web is more of a trick. [smile]

        Liked by 1 person

    • James 12:03 on September 2, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      There’s a bit of a poet in you, isn’t there? Perhaps to prove your point further, compassion comes from the brain, not the heart. Can you find it in your heart / brain to give details on your past experience?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Amaterasu Solar 08:48 on September 3, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        Many have said I am a poet… I feel the compassion in My heart and My mind then contemplates action… Not much to tell – I had a friend who turned out to be a psychopath. I would try to impart the ability to feel compassion, including through direct contact, but He never caught any of it. Others I have tried at distances, though not as fervently. In none of the cases did My efforts amount to a hill of beans.

        Liked by 1 person

        • James 12:55 on September 3, 2015 Permalink | Reply

          Did you manage to maintain that friendship for a while? I disagree that there’s not much to tell, I am very interested to know what exactly you tried to do, how he reacted, whether he showed any sin of understanding what you were trying to do, and much more than I can list here. Please, if you can bear to impart more of your poetic wisdom to me, I am sure it would deepen our friendship (or stop me from bugging you, whichever you prefer 😊)

          Liked by 1 person

          • Amaterasu Solar 14:48 on September 3, 2015 Permalink | Reply

            He was a friend I met up with at a scifi convention years ago. We met at several and He confided to Me His difference. I do not know why He seemingly trusted Me, but He did. I suggested trying some energy workings of sorts. I reached out from My heart. My impressions were that I passed right through Him. I could feel Him there but there was no place to plug into and the energy kept going on.

            He seemed minorly disappointed and soon got bored of the experiments. We moved on.

            Liked by 1 person

            • James 15:13 on September 3, 2015 Permalink | Reply

              Trustworthiness; must be your face. I’ve got one too. My frank assessment of your attempts would be that your “energy ” doesn’t really exist 😊 You moved on from each other or you moved on to other things to do together? What scifi are you in to?

              Like

              • Amaterasu Solar 10:45 on September 4, 2015 Permalink | Reply

                Well, interestingly, many non psychopaths I reach out to have showed signs or even said They could feel something, and I don’t get a sense of passing right through, either. But try & convince a psychopath of that… [wink]

                We moved to other topics at the time, and I don’t think We saw each Other after that convention.

                I was very into the hard-core stuff – Heinlein, Asimov, Ellison, Forward, Silverberg, LeGuin, and so many more. Just now I am more fascinated with the scifi story the psychopaths in control are writing and performing in the world around Me.

                Like

                • James 11:35 on September 4, 2015 Permalink | Reply

                  Well I have an open mind, so I accept there is maybe more to it than I understand, though it sounds a good deal like a “healing through prayer” experience or a ‘psychic’ con.
                  Hmm, that is hard-core, I won’t pretend to know about most of their works in detail. Isn’t the modern-day political story more fantasy than scifi? ☺

                  Like

  • James 11:38 on May 4, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: boredom, , , experiment, , , incoherent rambling, , , , , , , ,   

    Random musings of a psychopath (I) 

    A picture from an advertising campaign I like, “doggy dentures”.

    Boredom. It’s a killer. Right now I’m the most bored I’ve been in a while. It’s fucking hateful bullshit, really the worst part of being alive. Fortunately tomorrow I have a change of scenery. Strasbourg for a week, gonna pop in and see the Germans, maybe do a Hitler salute and get arrested. I’m not a nazi, but I find it fucking hilarious that the entire nation of Germany has banned a gesture that’s been in use since before the Romans.

    My grandfather is in the hospital, he’s been in there over a month now. He had a stroke which has completely wiped his mind clean. Most old people, they start by forgetting minor details of their lives and get steadily worse until they leave the oven on all day and burn the house down or are found wandering the aisles of Tesco naked and are then taken off to be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Then they’re put in a special care home where the nurses hit them and leave them lying in their own shit all day and everyone’s surprised by how quickly they go downhill and become completely helpless. My grandfather skipped all that bullshit and went straight from bitter old schemer to semi-conscious puddle of brain matter in a few minutes. He’ll be dead soon, he doesn’t even know his own name, and still he manipulates his sons into caring for him. Apparently he gets them to smuggle in booze and treats, to convince the nurses to give him preferential treatment and when he’s got what he wants for the day, he tells them all to fuck off home. Psychopathic resilience: his brains are mashed potato and he still knows how to make people jump and do his bidding.

    Have you heard the one about Vincent Van Gogh? No, neither has he.

    Have you ever eaten a tagine? It’s a Moroccan stew of meat, usually lamb, with a load of vegetables and exotic fruit. I had one the other day and it was quite simply one of the tastiest meals I’ve ever had.

    The last girl I fucked was Moroccan. She failed at being a student and is now “taking a sabbatical” at Buffalo Grill. But she was hot and she really digged my good old-fashioned English charm so we fucked.

    I thought I was going to get it on yesterday with a girl I know from New York City. It was her last day in France before moving home and she called me to ask a favour. She had rented a flute for the year (yes, apparently that is possible) and wanted me to take it back to the shop for her which was closed all week because France is a whiney bitch about May Day. So she asked me to meet her at this café near her hotel, and I was all ready for a nice date but COCKBLOCK! Her father had just flown in from the States and was there in the café with her. Like a true Manhattanite, she offered me 20 € “for my trouble” but I ain’t no flute whore, so I said the favour was on the house, since we were “friends” and all. Anyway, she’ll be waiting to get her 250 € deposit back once I’ve returned the flute to the shop but the trouble with that is I snapped the thing in two and chucked it in a dumpster.

    Did you know psychopaths say ‘um’ and use connectives like “and” and “so” a lot more than normal people? Apparently that’s one of our most diabolical traits. People are fine with the dishonesty and the occasional murder, but as soon as we know how to tell a story a bit more logically than Average Joe Loser, we’re hated. It’s all true, bitchez.

    If this all seems like the delusional ramblings of a crazy person to you, it’s because I’m writing stream of consciousness. You should try it, see how you look on paper, you fucking judgmental piece of shit. This is perhaps the most honest it is possible to be, since I’m just typing anything that occurs to me straight away. No charm, no lies, no manipulation, just thought. Anyway, I’ve enjoyed this post and am no longer bored, so if it gets published I will certainly write another one like it in the future.

     
    • Amaterasu Solar 13:32 on May 4, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I do not judge by anything but Ethics, James. I could see the stream easily. [smile] I grasp the ease at which You shift from a dying kin to the food You like. I might even think there was a deliberate switch there, consciously or not, to hammer the point.

      I learned a bit about psychopaths I did not know – the and and um part – though I might tend towards that Myself and I am not a psychopath.

      As far as the flute incident, that fails the Ethics test. You chose to do that specifically and willfully, only because it would create problems for Others. That kind of behavior is unEthical – and I’m sure You’re bright enough to grasp the clear lines drawn by the three Laws and choose to choose Your behavior within those parameters? Or do Ethics ask too much of You?

      Liked by 1 person

      • @GeneticPsycho (Tina) 15:30 on May 4, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        Psychopaths can’t be bound to any set of rules.

        Like

        • Amaterasu Solar 15:40 on May 4, 2015 Permalink | Reply

          I would not set Them to be bound by anything They don’t choose Themselves. I really want to know if a psychopath could grant Others the willingness to choose Their behavior within three very clear Laws. James says that He is intellectually aware that there are Others, each a Being of Consciousness (maybe not in those terms but I think that was the gist), if He does not feel it. I wondered if a psychopath would feel a thrill at being so…noble, perhaps.

          I’m very curious.

          Like

        • James 16:41 on May 4, 2015 Permalink | Reply

          I could set my own rules and follow them. You could also motivate me to follow rules if they were in the framework of a contract for specific situation I benefited from

          Like

          • Amaterasu Solar 16:55 on May 4, 2015 Permalink | Reply

            Fair enough. What do You consider to be the things that benefit You. Again, very curious.

            Like

          • @GeneticPsycho (Tina) 18:18 on May 4, 2015 Permalink | Reply

            My understanding of your position is that as long as you are in control of the rules, you will follow them. (Rule #1, the maker of the rules may change the rules without reason, and without warning.)

            Liked by 1 person

      • James 16:32 on May 4, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        No, it’s just that I don’t feel the need to follow your Ethics Principles; they don’t have any significance in my life.

        The food switch wasn’t intentional, it was just a delicious meal I really liked. Though I do see what point you thought I was hammering (callousness, right?). I think the speech detection thing is bullshit, who doesn’t ‘ummm’ occasionally and use words such as “and” and “so”?

        Liked by 1 person

        • Amaterasu Solar 17:06 on May 4, 2015 Permalink | Reply

          I agree with the assessment of the and and um. I see about the issue of Ethics. The Laws are ancient, You know. I didn’t make them up. It’s sad to Me and meaningless to You, I suppose, that the value of Ethics as a seed parameter in choice of behavior choices eludes You. I must say I was hoping.

          The only thing I can offer as a “benefit” is My respect to the psychopath who consciously chooses to choose that One’s behavior within Ethical parameters. Hardly worth a thought, I might suppose. [smile]

          Like

      • James 07:22 on May 5, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        Amaterasu Solar (that’s such a cumbersome title, can’t I please call you by something else?), I’ve given a lot of thought to ethics and morals (and their potential differences) and am very satisfied with where my thoughts led me. So I will be making a post about ethics in the near future, which you will appreciate no end. Just to whet your appetite, the words “universal” and “cultural” will both be appearing.

        Tina, prepare to meet the philosopher I previously claimed to be without providing any proof.

        Like

        • Amaterasu Solar 10:58 on May 8, 2015 Permalink | Reply

          People call Me Amy. [smile] Do feel free. I look forward to Your thoughts on Ethics.

          Liked by 1 person

          • James 15:07 on May 8, 2015 Permalink | Reply

            Do they indeed? That’s not very kind of them, unless that’s your name 🙂

            Like

    • James 16:56 on May 4, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      You know what, this isn’t working out. The wifi in my current location (I really am in Strasbourg) is too poor to continue this conversation. You all leave whatever comments and questions you like, and I’ll get back to you in a few days’ time.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Kathi 02:39 on May 6, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      James i liked reading UR thots and UR replies to comments. The few I read (just found this) were easy ones. U know wat I mean? I’ll call it the ‘easy’ category. Sweet but pitiful attempts to set u straight failed. I see thru u like glass. U remind me of my pussy brother who got away w running his mouth cuZ my mommy let him. Wat does a punk like u do wen a woman like me brings a man (a real one) to punch u in ur face as many x as I say? Hm? I’m a borderline hav no doubt I can manipulate but a coward like u using UR mouth to show women how cruel and clever u r? It be my pleasure to show those same women how easy it is to make cool cowards like u run like a bitch. Thanks I feel better already !!

      Like

    • nowve666 10:14 on December 25, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Loved this blog. Did you know Judge Judy gets very mean when litigants say “um?” She says “‘Um’ isn’t a word.” Your comments on the joys of old age made me LOL. Vickie couldn’t understand why I was laughing. Doesn’t she know that all humor is graveyard humor? This place takes most of my money and I just learned that the fees are $115.00 more than I thought. But the unit for severe Alzheimer’s costs an unbelievably high fee. Just so as not to be hit and left in one’s own shit all day. I’m counting on my psychopath’s resilience to see me through.

      Like

c
Compose new post
j
Next post/Next comment
k
Previous post/Previous comment
r
Reply
e
Edit
o
Show/Hide comments
t
Go to top
l
Go to login
h
Show/Hide help
shift + esc
Cancel
%d bloggers like this: