Tagged: love Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • James 19:51 on December 23, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Berlin, Christmas, , Europe, Germany, love, , , , , , , Xmas   

    Psychopath's Christmas message 

    In the wake of yet another terror attack on European soil, and the end of a rather crummy year for anyone framing themselves as any way liberal, progressive (or indeed as a decent human being), it’s easy to feel disheartened about the future, as though there is no hope. Well there is something you can do, and it’s easy.

    The Syrian civil war, which has so far claimed almost half a million lives has, after five years of brutal fighting, near enough come full circle this week, with President Assad’s forces retaking the rest of Aleppo that had been in rebel hands. What a tragic waste of life, and what a scandal that this has been allowed (made) to happen under our noses. That NATO and Russia have backed opposing sides and are at this stage fighting a proxy war against each other is no secret. The age of relative peace and prosperity some of us have enjoyed for the last few decades seems to be heading in a bloody change of direction.

    Certainly, soon-to-be President Trump’s tweets about bringing back nuclear weapons in a big way is enough to send even a fearless psychopath running to his duvet, as this is surely very bad news indeed for those of us who value peace.

    And then there’s ISIS. They, and terrorism in general, seem to sum up this era we’re living in rather well. They’re international, they appeal to the young and disenfranchised, they use social media as a powerful tool of propaganda, and they’re populist.

    The stereotypical westerner’s reaction, one of fear, a sense of helplessness and an increasingly paranoid and vicious popular feeling against Islam and Muslims, plays into ISIS hands very well. We also do those illiberal, authoritarian control freaks in governments a huge favour. In our fear, and our clamour for security at any cost, we risk handing over all the reins of power to maniacs who will bring nothing but misery. Oh wait, that should have been last year’s Christmas warning, because in America at least, that horse has already bolted…

    But let’s focus on terrorism. The thing about terrorism, what makes it such an effective method of war and why it will probably never be beaten by force, is an individual terrorist only has to ‘get it right’ once. Security forces have to get it right every single time. If they slip up, like they did in Berlin this week, people die.

    Against those odds, it is clear that successful terror attacks are inevitable. Even with the very best security personnel, and the very worst draconian anti-liberal laws, an attack will always occur sooner or later.

    So if fighting is useless, what else can be done? Well, there’s always good old fashioned fear. But no! We can’t respond to such horror with kneejerk reactions and a fearful outlook on the world beyond our front rooms. We shouldn’t build walls and spurn those who are different from us. We should not react with hostility to refugees, Muslims, or foreigners with suspicion or hatred. All of that plays into the hands of terrorists. Terrorists – and nefarious politicians – don’t want peace and goodwill to all men, they want us to be at each other’s throats – christians, muslims, jews, atheists, rich, poor, right, left, you name it.

    The real solution is deceptively simple, but in practise so very complicated.

    The only hope of putting a stop to terrorism and, more widely *all* conflict, forever is to embrace peace.

    This is the most difficult thing in the world, something which will take generations and centuries to achieve and which has every chance of failing. Why? Because it involves talking to, empathising with and building friendships alongside enemies. As a species, we’re not very good at that, but it emphatically is within our skillset. To use just one example, the Troubles in Northern Ireland didn’t cease because one side knocked the other out with superior firepower. No, the IRA and the British government sat down, around a table, and talked to each other – one adversary to another. They talked, they negotiated and they showed willingness to compromise. The solution they came up with (the Good Friday Agreement) isn’t perfect and doesn’t satisfy everyone’s wishes, but it is good enough that the fighting has more or less finished.

    It sounds sanctimonious, and it is. Nonetheless, we have to come together as a species, to love one another, to treat each other with kindness and forgiveness even when we really don’t want to. All of us have to agree that violence, fighting and killing just is wrong, and everyone has to agree not to engage in it, because if everyone (and I do mean everyone) refused to fight, there would be no war.

    You see what I mean? It’s so simple, yet it’s going to be practically impossible to achieve. In the short to medium term, the strong likelihood is that we’re going to carry on making the wrong decisions. The way current affairs are going, things could get a whole lot worse before they get better. But that doesn’t stop you or I from individually making the decision to spurn conflict and embrace peace. Every great movement has to start small, so why not you? Why not us? Why not now?

    Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, happy solstice, yuletide greetings, enjoy the season – to all and any with the patience to read this post to the end.

    Be kind, and love one another.

     
    • liferolle 02:13 on December 24, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      WOah where you been. It’s all about programming and one world agenda. Coming soon. That’s what I learnt along the way anyway. Plus christ mass is a satanic practice and always was long before the commercial Side of shit.

      Liked by 1 person

      • James 04:53 on December 24, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Hi Luverly 🙂 Nonetheless, Satan or no Satan, I hope you enjoy the next couple of days and you’re in a good place.

        Liked by 1 person

    • nowve666 08:58 on December 24, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Merry Christmas, James. Did you draw that picture? Lovely. You sure are full of surprises.

      Like

      • James 10:34 on December 24, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Don’t be absurd, it sure wasn’t me. Merry Christmas, Fran.

        Liked by 2 people

    • Amaterasu Solar 12:53 on December 24, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Seems most everything You brought up there is/was a psyop to create fear… ISIS is a CIA/Mossad construct (investigation offers evidence that this is so), existing in photo ops and “news” stories only. I could go on, pointing to the magic murder of ambassadors that do not bleed, gunmen that go from freshly shaved when shooting ambassadors to 5 o’clock shadows in a matter of minutes when They are “taken out…” But You will merely call My critical thinking “paranoia” or some such. LOL! Whatever. Do enjow the season, James.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Amaterasu Solar 12:55 on December 24, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        er…enjoy! Must proofread, I must!

        Like

      • James 15:57 on December 24, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        The thing about your theory is even if it’s true, it doesn’t matter. No matter who the ‘enemy’ really is, the only antidote is universal peace, through respect and love. So in that spirit, I wish you all the best for the holiday season, and a healthy and happy new year.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Amaterasu Solar 16:23 on December 24, 2016 Permalink | Reply

          Actually, since the foundational problem on this planet is that the systems We consent to promote psychopaths, and the “antidote” is to quit consenting to such systems and consent to ways that promote the caring Ones to take care of things. “If You want peace, take the PROFIT out of war…”

          I chuckle a bit at a psychopath suggesting the solution involves love… But I will say, I care about You (however much You don’t care really about Me). May Your coming years bring satisfaction and comfort, James.

          Liked by 1 person

          • James 18:16 on December 24, 2016 Permalink | Reply

            And I have to chuckle at your caring about me when I have given you no reason to do so. That’s not really because of psychopathy, just that we’re total strangers. But feel free (I know you will do what you feel like anyway, so my ‘permission’ won’t mean anything to you!), and have a happy Christmas.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Amaterasu Solar 18:32 on December 24, 2016 Permalink | Reply

              Interesting fact about Me, James. I care about everyOne I interact with, whether I like Them or not (and I happen to like much of what I see in what You present). I care about Humanity as a whole and work to free all of Us to lives of leisure and industry of interest. [hugs]

              Like

              • James 18:39 on December 24, 2016 Permalink | Reply

                I care about humanity as a whole, but not that much about individuals, especially strangers.

                Liked by 1 person

                • Amaterasu Solar 19:17 on December 24, 2016 Permalink | Reply

                  Somehow, James, I don’t think of You as a stranger. One I have never met in the flesh, granted, but You have offered enough of Your thoughts that I feel Our minds have met, if only briefly. [smile]

                  Like

                  • James 18:07 on December 27, 2016 Permalink | Reply

                    I don’t think they ever have. I say that not to contradict you for the sake of it, merely to tell you the truth.

                    Like

    • Andrew 18:27 on December 26, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

      Like

      • Amaterasu Solar 20:46 on December 26, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Quite curious… What do You have to substantiate that freedom must be earned on a planet We were born to without Our consent, and which was stolen from Us through “trusts” and deceit?

        Like

      • James 18:05 on December 27, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        If you wish to write essays, you should get your own blog, rather than commenting on mine. I haven’t the time nor the interest to read whatever you wrote, but if you think you’ve got something to say which others will appreciate reading, set up a blog. Since the consensus on here is that you’re a psychopath, we’ll even provide a link in our sidebar so our readers can go and see what you’ve got to say.

        Like

    • Andrew 21:20 on December 26, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Your own life is proof of that. The moment you are free of your own family, you must make your own way. That is all the proof you need to know that the only guarantee you ever get, is that you are guaranteed a right to life. The other rights, you must earn, on the merits of the success towards goals using your own efforts. When people stop being successful in life, they can be ruined and lose their freedom to the court system, to drugs or to those who take advantage of them.

      Like

      • Amaterasu Solar 22:03 on December 26, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        That is only if We presume that things are best done the way they are being done, consenting to that way of doing things. The twin towers to psychopaths in power were set up by psychopaths to manipulate and control Us on OUR planet, making Us believe, through indoctrination , that this is the best of all possible ways We could do things. Frankly, I don’t consent to any of it, and work to topple those two towers such that We are no longer slave to the useless eliters, and ALL may live lives of leisure and industry of interest on this vastly abundant planet that could support 1000 times the number here now. Those two towers are top-down controlmind (government), and accounting for Human energy added into the system that accounts for Human energy added and moves the bulk of OUR wealth on this planet to very few psychopaths (money system).

        Sure, if We accept these, We must follow the rules the psychopaths in control put in place. I do not accept them. I do not consent. I consent to better ways, which I discuss at length in many short articles on My forum.

        Like

        • James 18:19 on December 27, 2016 Permalink | Reply

          I have to admire you, Amy. You spend so much time trying to convince people who will likely never agree with or support you (i.e. Andrew and myself). That’s so much harder than “preaching to the converted”, and like I said, really must be admired, if nothing else.

          Like

          • Amaterasu Solar 23:05 on December 27, 2016 Permalink | Reply

            I anticipate other readers… [smile] Truth told, I don’t care about whether I “win You over” (or whether You admire Me… LOL!). I enjoy placing the ideas out there for Those who read and might grasp that the foundational problem on this planet is psychopaths in control and that the systems We are consenting to promote Them, so no surprise They ARE in control. Maybe Some will also withdraw consent, share awareness, get Us closer to the tipping point.

            Liked by 1 person

    • Andrew 00:26 on December 29, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      I have pretty much summed up everything I had to say during the time that I posted information. It’s unlikely I would start a blog because I don’t find it interesting to talk about myself at all. As far as discussing things are concerned, you will usually be talking at someone’s level of agreement. There is no need, from my end of things, to distract from the subject matter at hand, and it is with this end that one learns to “let sleeping dogs lie”.
      I have learnt quite a bit in the last couple of months that I did not know before. I am definitely better off for having come here and found out what I did. I would hope that someone somewhere, in the now, or the future to come, will find something that will make things a bit clearer, and easier to understand. And with that, you are to find, that I am moving on, to other things.

      Like

      • James 04:40 on December 29, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        It’s like reading a Boris Johnson speech.

        Like

    • Andrew 01:51 on December 31, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      At least Boris Johnson is a colorful individual. He has lotsof entertainment value. Unlike, for instance, Teresa Vague. There are no psychopaths here. No psychopath would post the stuff that you, James, post. You are a narcissist, without a doubt. As are the “psychopaths” here. This blog should be named: Narcissist Central. No need to worry because a lot of narcissists think they are psychopaths and start blogs about the wonders of psychopathy…ha! The prevailing theme that runs through the whole site, whether empath or not, is a weird sense of entitlement, as though your empathy, or lack of it, it itself confers upon you certain rights to a special group. Only a narcissist, and a special kind of weird “empathy” would come up with that “innocent” view.

      Keep drinking the cool aid. I wrote what I wrote with very good reason. Only some people would see what was written. The rest of them, would literally, blank out, like you did, James. So thanks a lot. In any case, my information is there and I wrote it for a reason, and none of you people were that reason.

      Like I said before, I have gained a lot of information from your blog. I do sincerely thank you. Without your blog it would have taken me longer to realize that some people are beyond redemption and are better left alone to wallow in their own misery. Don’t worry. More misery awaits you down the road. There are always worse things to come for you who looks for them. If you don’t have enough, you could make up some more until you really go bonkers and then you will be in hell. No, ahem.., I meant heaven

      Like

      • James 11:01 on December 31, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        I thought you were fucking off? Go on then, off you pop.

        Liked by 2 people

      • @GeneticPsycho (Tina) 21:34 on January 2, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        More misery down the road, huh? Psychopaths don’t know misery. I’m no psychopath and I don’t know this misery thing. Why on earth would I be miserable? Glad to be of service to your awakening to the fact that people are beyond redemption. This is not news to me. It does not stop me from doing my humble part at promoting psychopathy awareness, anyway. Don’t worry, be happy.

        Like

      • nowve666 21:31 on February 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        You, Andrew, are probably a narcissist. But I wonder what you fancy yourself as. Since you think you know what a psychopath would post and what he wouldn’t post, I wonder if you think you are one. How else could you know what a psychopath would post?

        Like

    • Andrew 00:09 on January 10, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I keep threatening to fuck off, but just can’t seem to manage it. I have a constant need to be the centre of attention and to talk shit about people I’ve never met. This is because I have no life; I spend my days trolling people on various websites.

      Liked by 1 person

      • @GeneticPsycho (Tina) 08:41 on January 10, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Some psychopaths are more narcissistic than others. Some are more jovial and fun-loving. Some are more serious and morbid. There is a variety, just like in the rest of the population. How many psychopaths do you know? Because you can’t paint them all with the same brush.

        Like

      • @GeneticPsycho (Tina) 10:52 on January 10, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Andrew, your “trolling” does not bother me. I am curious to know what gets you up in the morning? What is your motivation for proceeding through your day and doing it again tomorrow? If you are so inclined to answer?

        Like

    • Andrew 10:36 on January 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I like to play

      Like

    • andy 13:11 on March 7, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      No such thing as a psychopath. But there are reactionists and special flakes which comprises most of those who are here. Basically, a site full of losers who post bullshit.

      Liked by 1 person

  • GeneticPsychosMom (Tina) 09:24 on January 3, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , , , love, , , , , , ,   

    How Can My Baby Boy Be a Psychopath? 

    Little girl with flame on middle finger

    He is 8 years old. I was in denial for a long time that he fit the description of a Sociopath. Even after the diagnosis, I struggled to find excuses which would invalidate this diagnosis. But I knew it was true, even if it took a long time to admit it to myself. A few months ago, I began to accept it. I started doing research, but most cases like his are deemed hopeless. I don’t think so.

    My son is very intelligent. He has been nominated by his teachers into ‘gifted’ programs. His mind is not that of an 8-year-old child. I began to recognize the signs in him when he was around 4 years old. He’s now 8, and things are deteriorating for us as he gets older and smarter.

    He taught himself how to write in cursive when he was 7. He has perfect cursive handwriting – much better than mine. And he has perfected my signature. He can forge anyone’s signature by simply watching them sign it one time. He has filled out credit card applications that came in junk mail. He can address a letter, put a stamp on it, and fill out all necessary information to obtain a credit card in my name. He has also used my credit card to order thousands of dollars worth of merchandise from Amazon including cell phones and tablets. Despite being banned from using the internet for this reason, he always finds a way. I change my passwords and pin numbers – but he somehow learns them again. He is seemingly unstoppable.

    He has no regard for the safety or feelings for others. He will do whatever it takes to get what he wants. I do not mean in the same way that a child will manipulate a parent in order to get a cookie before dinner. I mean in a way that he would destroy a person’s life for a cookie, and think nothing of it. That is NOT an exaggeration.

    I have tried to teach him what is right, what is wrong, and why it is so. I sit down with him, and I explain in depth all of the reasons for why it is not okay to steal my credit card and order merchandise from the internet. I spend hours upon hours with him, face to face, explaining how and why his actions are harmful, as well as the consequences of those actions. He can recite my words back to me and he can even explain it back to me in his own words. He understands what I am saying, but he will turn around and do the exact same thing 2 seconds later if he feels like it. If it means losing our house, if the consequences are that it would ruin our lives. If someone could die.. He truly does not care about those things whatsoever.

    I’ve exhausted myself trying to reason with him. I’ve tried everything to get him to care about what he’s doing. I used to think that he did care and that he was sorry, but just could not control himself. I wanted to believe that. He was very convincing when it seemed he was expressing remorse. But I learned that his words are just that. Words. There’s no intention of keeping any promises. There’s no actual guilt or remorse. He simply goes through the motions of apologizing – but he is not actually sorry. Sometimes I felt like I didn’t know him at all. I could not distinguish what was real, what was pretend, what was mimicking.

    He says things to purposely hurt me. He blames me no matter what I do, and no matter how hard I try to make him happy. When I try to stand up to him, he uses hurtful words and breaks my heart. When I try to stand up to his violence, he pushes even harder. He threatened me that if I reach out for help that he will lie and say that I do bad things that I don’t really do. He had me backed into a corner with no way out before I could even realize what was happening. I was left to decide: Do I ask for help and risk them believing him over me and lose everything including him? Or do I back down and continue to let him do these things? I was on the verge of suicide, and I reached out for help.

    Despite everything he’s done, I love him. These details are just the tip of an enormous iceberg. Life has been truly horrible for a long time. He’s in a hospital now and in an environment that is controlled so that he can be helped and I can safely do what I can to help him, too. He’s my child, and I want him to be with me. I just need to be able to get to him. I can’t accept that this is all he’s capable of and I can’t accept that there’s no hope for him.

     

    Excerpt from “How can I reach my child who’s a Sociopath?

    Image courtesy: Anake Goodall

    For more information about psychopathy:  TED-Ed Lesson “What is a psychopath?

    Search tem: Are there psychopathic children?

    Psychopath TEST Politicians

    .

     
    • insanitybytes22 09:49 on January 3, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      That’s a very sad and frustrating thing to read.

      Like

    • James 10:00 on January 3, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Really interesting article, this kid is a lot cleverer than I was. I wonder if being in a hospital will help him though. It may well change his behaviour to be more pro-social, but it will probably deepen the emotional rift between mother and son. He will see it as being abandoned rather than ‘helped’. She may get rid of the psychopathy (or at least the more overt symptoms) but also lose her son altogether in the process.

      Liked by 1 person

      • @GeneticPsycho (Tina) 21:19 on January 4, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        I don’t think it is yet possible to get rid of psychopathy. Maybe the overt misbehavior will be toned down so he is easier to live with – like you 🙂 I think you are right about the abandonment that the son will feel. One of my psychopath brothers accuses my mother of abandonment even though it is not her fault that she was stricken with severe illness. Nothing can convince him otherwise.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Allie 10:11 on January 3, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      This is heartbreaking to read. I’ve read the famous book “Without conscience and her story seems to fit. Prayers.

      Like

    • C-PTSD Awareness 06:06 on January 4, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Empathy. Mom’s who have kids with Childhood Conduct Disorder know.

      Like

    • lucy 15:01 on January 4, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Hi! I feel for you.
      Maybe first solution is by starting to seriously not being scared of him. Learn him what boundaries are, and not softly and apologizing, but clearly and efficiently. If you feel helpless, get help from an educator.
      This kid needs authorities and clear boundaries to hold his -apparently strong- anxiety. Hence for now you get anxious and he gets even more anxious too and so abuse you even more… and its a never ending toxic circle. Until you react.
      It’s tiring and he might be very manipulative, but you are powerful and, as his mother, much stronger than him; at least morally. Hope it will give you some hope. You are not a victim and he has no power (well, the only power you let him have). Take care!!

      Like

      • James 06:00 on January 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Not only is what you say mostly incorrect, you are also not writing to the mother in question. This article is an excerpt from “https://www.quora.com/How-can-I-reach-a-child-whos-a-Sociopath”. Take it over there.

        Like

    • Gretchen 21:43 on January 4, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Children can not know that what they say hurts their parents. I have an overly empathetic child, so she becomes very upset if she thinks she has hurt me. For my friend… His son was diagnosed at ten. He is now a young adult. He wreaked havoc on their lives. False molestation charges. Almost caused his parents to divorce over it. Stolen money, small animals captured and dissected- it was horrifying. Upon speaking with my friend, he emphasized that if he could have done anything differently, it would be to assert his authority more. Pyschopathic children cannot be parented the same way. They are without a moral compass and work only with logic.
      I am glad that he is getting help. It must break your heart to have a child that you know is mentally incapable of loving you back. I cannot even fathom that pain.

      Liked by 1 person

      • James 06:40 on January 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Correct me if I’m wrong, but I guess the ‘pain’ is akin to grief. Grief which may be misplaced, I might add. Your child can still make you proud, even if s/he is a psychopath, and you can still have a relationship with them.

        Like

        • @GeneticPsycho (Tina) 07:21 on January 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

          The grief/pain is unavoidable. Even if a parent is proud and has a relationship with a psychopathic child, the pain from the palpable absence of love is ever present.

          Like

          • James 08:53 on January 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

            Yeah, I understand that. I don’t think my parents experience “a palpable absence of love”, in fact I think they accept that I do love them. The most either have said on the matter is lamenting a lack of care shown toward them. But as far as I know, they don’t know anything about psychopathy.

            Actually, come to think of it, I have a bad memory from when I was very young (certainly a pre-schooler, and now so long ago that it may be a dream or a mis-remembered event) of my dad saying “I don’t think you love / like* me” and leaving me alone in my dark room (it was bedtime).

            *Can’t remember which he used.

            Like

          • James 08:55 on January 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

            Is “enough love for the both of us” a myth then?

            Like

    • madken 03:59 on January 28, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Put a gun to his head and blow it wide open…. now seriously… I think you’re exaggerating.
      You are the psychopath!

      Like

      • Laura 23:36 on March 3, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        For you to think anyone is exaggerating without loving it makes you an ignorant, insensitive ass. As for the article, you are being codependent. If your son is truly without a conscience, he is not going to grow one because of your love. You are wasting your time with that, and he is exactly where he needs to be: where he can’t hurt others. I hope he stays there for good. All sociopaths needs to be separated from the population permanently.

        Like

    • Laura 23:43 on March 3, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      This child is where all sociopaths need to be: separated from the population. To “love” him like he is going to change because of that love is waste of energy.

      Like

  • GeneticPsychosMom (Tina) 17:08 on December 29, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , divorce, , , , , , , infidelity, love, , , , , relationships, secrets,   

    What Would a Psychopath Do? A Victim Tells 

    rage

    In response to Daca’s letter, “Dear Chump Lady, He apologized to the OW for not leaving me”:

    Someone who wants to keep things secret – and who has successfully done so for so long – doesn’t just accidentally leave his email open one day when he goes out of town, leaving you unfettered access.

    Until I went No Contact, I didn’t realize that many of my discoveries were orchestrated. He would “accidentally” leave his Facebook account open, his phone unlocked, etc. It was part of the mindfuck – always just enough information to make me feel crazy while allowing him to rage about my “trust issues” when confronted. He got to feel important in a very sick way for a very long time.

    Your husband set this one up, Daca. That’s my theory.

    I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have any advice to give you, since it took me a really long time to leave and it’s too fresh for me to make sense of yet. But I remember those days/nights of feeling sick to my stomach, so anxious I’d be shaking, knowing a huge blowout was coming if I confronted him on what new information I’d found. But I could never stay silent and he would be steadfast in his lies; I once had an email from one of many OW admitting to sex and he still called me crazy and denied it all. On top of it, he’d turn it all around, literally screaming about how awful I was and how much he hated me until I would relent to salvage my own shards of sanity for just that day. Then he’d punish me with distance I could never breach, no matter how much I begged. Your letter takes me back to those sad days and I’m really sorry that you had such a terrible Christmas, knowing what you faced. Just know you’re not alone.

    I also 100% understand your paralysis. Leaving three years after Discovery Day was like chewing off my own arm – I didn’t want to do it (still don’t) and was desperate to find signs of change in his every action, even to the bitter end. It’s so counterintuitive to suddenly grow boundaries and standards after years of neglecting them, especially when we’ve been so isolated. I don’t know about you, but I spent a lot of time lying to other people about the marriage, since I knew I’d come off as unstable if they knew what I had put up with for so long. It’s too “heavy” for the good, normal people to see the inside of such a sick relationship so their typical reaction is to run. The average person doesn’t get the whole sociopath, narcissist thing – they dismiss cheating and the associated gaslighting as you being bitter, at fault, etc. You learn to stay silent and keep your distance.

    So then you’re left with having to muster incredible, super-human strength at your lowest point with nowhere to turn anymore. You have to dust off the boundaries and self-worth you perhaps never even had in the first place in a really isolated place, giving up everything you know to leave someone you still love. You have to call lawyers, fight over assets, move, sell the house, explain to children and loved ones, all while struggling to keep a job and not simply roll over and die. Then you have to weather life alone and suddenly have to do everything you’d previously shared responsibility for, even it if was with a total asshole, alone – from carrying groceries and sharing bills to decorating the Christmas tree and planning for retirement. It’s fucking brutal and breathtaking in its pain. And as the final act of cruelty, you get to watch your former spouse, the person who had promised to love you forever, skip into the sunset with their true love while you contemplate spending life alone. You realize you probably never really meant anything to your X anyway and all your suffering was for nothing – they just picked up and soldiered on to their next target(s) with their laserbeam of sparkles in tow, like the past decade or two meant nothing.

    I don’t have any answers for you but there are many people on Chumplady.com who have been through all of that and have come out the other side.Their mightiness and clarity is what keeps me coming back to Chump Nation. Today is six weeks of No Contact for me. It’s sick and counterproductive, but, I still check out his social media and am heartbroken with every stupid Instagram picture of him having fun in his new fabulous life, each eliciting dozens of “likes” from his followers. Yup, I’ll just eat my oatmeal alone this morning in my tiny apartment with nowhere to be and no one to see.

    All that being said, one thing I think about on my better days, and it may help you, is that staying meant I would never have been OK – ever. As Chump Lady says, this pain is finite. I’d still be waking up at 3 a.m. in a panic, knowing I had to get out. The devil I knew was still the devil. I’d still be engaged in the battle for remorse and change, trying to extract love from someone who had none for me. I’d still be begging for affection (literally), trying to convince him I was worth loving through years of fruitless efforts – I think we saw four therapists in the past decade, maybe more.

    Stone cold - uncaringNothing worked – not therapy, or vacations, or new lingerie. I couldn’t love him out of it, I couldn’t hate him out of it, I couldn’t cry him out of it, or beg enough, or try hard enough, or pull another 360, or dye my hair a different colour, or lose weight, or get a better job, or find more friends, or wear better clothes, feign indifference, pretend it never happened, pretend to be cool with it, and on and on. I kept getting angrier and older, farther down the rabbit hole. And he was OK with it all. He was, frankly, very Meh about me, as long as I didn’t encroach too much on his space with my expectations. He was OK watching me slowly wither and die.

    Eventually, I faced a decision. It was like that movie, 127 Hours: cut off my own arm [my husband] to save my life or die stuck. I definitely wish I didn’t have to make it. But I have my dignity and a second chance now. It’s up to me to make something of it.

    Excerpt from a comment by Sad in Seattle on Chumplady.com “Dear Chump Lady, He apologized to the OW for not leaving me”

    Photos courtesy The Atlantic, and  Shop Equipment

     

    Psychopath TEST Politicians

    .

     

     
c
Compose new post
j
Next post/Next comment
k
Previous post/Previous comment
r
Reply
e
Edit
o
Show/Hide comments
t
Go to top
l
Go to login
h
Show/Hide help
shift + esc
Cancel
%d bloggers like this: