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  • James 15:50 on April 4, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: arguments, coming out, , , , lying, , , , , , , step aside Mr Shakespeare, true story   

    Fessin' up 

    Pleased to meet you.

    Scene I: Friday evening, kitchen table

    JAMES’S FATHER (eyes narrowed): So, once again we find ourselves in this situation. For the fourth time, you’ve been lying to us.

    JAMES (in his head): Four times that you know of. (aloud) I don’t think it’s really been four times. What were the others?

    JAMES’S MOTHER outlines each of the three previous occasions. JAMES argues that at none of those times was he lying, and that this is a different situation. He wins 1 of 3 rounds.

    JAMES’S FATHER (exasperated): Three times, four times, what’s the fucking difference?! What matters is for the nth time, you have deliberately deceived us over months, and I don’t know why.

    JAMES: Neither do I.

    JAMES’S FATHER: No, that’s not going to fly anymore. You must know why you lie.

    JAMES (breathless) : It’s just an impulse. I don’t know why I do it. I can’t stop myself.

    JAMES’S FATHER: Don’t give us all this “it’s just an impulse” bullshit. You made a choice to lie each time you spoke to us and you did it comfortably.

    JAMES (internally admiring his father’s shrewdness): No! I didn’t do it on purpose-

    JAMES’S FATHER (cutting James off): You knowingly and comfortably lied to us over months. You deliberately hurt us.

    JAMES (truthfully): I did not lie to hurt you. (in head) I lied to benefit me. You didn’t come into the equation.

    JAMES’S FATHER (shouting): You lied knowing you would hurt us. You deliberately hurt us.

    JAMES (shouting back): NO! I didn’t lie to hurt you! I mean, I knew the consequences if you found out, but you weren’t supposed to find out.

    JAMES’S MOTHER: You may not have set out to hurt us, but that’s the result.

    JAMES (flatly): Yes.

    JAMES’S FATHER: So come on, why did you do it? I want an explanation.

    JAMES (long silence): I don’t know what to say. (another long silence) I have nothing to say.

    JAMES’S FATHER: Do you know right from wrong?

    JAMES (quickly) Yes. (pause) I mean I think I do. Who knows at this point? I don’t know. I feel bad for hurting you, if that’s the same thing.

    JAMES’S FATHER: Then why did you lie

    JAMES shrugs, but says nothing. After a whole minute:

    JAMES’S FATHER: Well I’m not going to sit here while you say nothing. If that’s the best explanation you can give, I guess we’ll have to take it. But I don’t know how we can trust you ever again, knowing how easily and convincingly you lie. We want to trust you, but there’ll always be a niggling doubt in the back of our minds. I want to believe you.

    JAMES (deciding now is not the time to make an ‘X Files’ joke): Yes, okay.

    JAMES’S MOTHER bursts into tears and runs from the room. JAMES looks at his father impassively.

    JAMES’S FATHER: You should go after your mother.

    JAMES: I don’t know what to say.

    JAMES’S FATHER (shouting again): How about telling her you’re sorry you hurt her?

    Exeunt

    Scene II: Monday lunchtime. JAMES’S MOTHER’S garden, where she has been chatting to her son and sitting on a bench

    JAMES’S MOTHER: I know you won’t like this, but I have to ask anyway. All those times you were telling me how useless [person] was and how she was so disorganised and feckless, that was all made up, wasn’t it?

    JAMES: Yeah, it was.

    JAMES’S MOTHER (gobsmacked): You had me stressed out and really hating that woman for putting you through so much, but it was all just fabricated.

    JAMES (half-smile): Well I was just describing myself, wasn’t I? I was the disorganised one, so I was just using her as a scapegoat.

    They sit in silence for a few moments. Then, JAMES’S MOTHER asks why JAMES told a lie a certain way, when he had told similar lies in a consistent, but different way.

    JAMES’S MOTHER: Why didn’t you just follow the same pattern?

    JAMES (genuinely stumped): Hmm, I don’t know. Maybe for variety? But it was back in December, so I’m really not sure. Interesting question.

    JAMES’S MOTHER (still disgruntled, but with a note of pride): You put a lot of detail into your lies, don’t you? A lot of unnecessary stuff, but you get really committed to the story, I’ll give you that.

    JAMES: Um, thanks, Mum.

    They smile at each other genuinely

     
    • nowve666 18:41 on April 4, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      “Pleased to meet you.” Where you been? I can show you incredible things.
      They sit in silence for a few moments. Then, JAMES’S MOTHER asks why JAMES told a lie a certain way, when he had told similar lies in a consistent, but different way.

      JAMES’S MOTHER: Why didn’t you just follow the same pattern?”
      Criminal versatility?

      Like

      • James 05:45 on April 5, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Nvm, I found it.

        Like

        • nowve666 09:28 on April 5, 2017 Permalink | Reply

          I just copied it, selecting the text and Ctrl-C. The text of your blog has italics in it which I guess you put there by selecting the Italic icon in the editor or by just doing Ctrl-I.

          Like

    • nowve666 21:14 on April 4, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Hey! Do your parents know you’re a psychopath?

      Like

    • Amaterasu Solar 23:09 on April 4, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Interestingly, I find that I like You a lot, James. Would trust You as far as I could throw You…which, as an old, arthritic lady, is nil. But I like You.

      Liked by 1 person

      • James 04:28 on April 5, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Lol that is funny.

        Liked by 1 person

      • James 05:43 on April 5, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Most people who know me, like me. What I lack in trustworthiness, I make up for with personality 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • Amaterasu Solar 21:36 on April 5, 2017 Permalink | Reply

          Serves You well, no doubt. [smile]

          Liked by 1 person

          • James 08:33 on April 6, 2017 Permalink | Reply

            What do you like about me? 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

            • Amaterasu Solar 09:08 on April 6, 2017 Permalink | Reply

              i like Your willingness to “fess up” (presuming it’s a true account, which I think it likely is). I like Your intellect and Your way of Self examination. I like that You do not resort to ad hominem (as witnessed in a previous exchange with anOther). I like the debonair quality You exude. I suspect that You would be fun to spend time with, provided One does not take anything You might say to heart. [smile]

              Liked by 1 person

              • James 07:45 on April 8, 2017 Permalink | Reply

                Thank you, that comment seems sincere, and altogether too charitable. You’re not half bad yourself 🙂

                The exact script is almost certainly wrong, such is the atrocious state of human memory, but the gist of the exchanges is all true.

                Liked by 1 person

    • Amaterasu Solar 12:32 on April 8, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I surely did not expect a verbatim recounting. I figured it was a general portrayal. [smile] Indeed, I always express from the heart, and I meant every word I said. “Charitable?” Not at all. It is what I pick up from You. And thanks. For a conspiracy analysis, I guess I do ok, eh? [grin]

      Like

    • GeneticPsychosMom (Tina) 11:13 on April 13, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Thank you for this from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for all you have contributed. I am truly sorry that I have neglected you in this regard.

      Liked by 2 people

  • James 10:53 on January 14, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , charm, , , just for fun, , lying, M.E. Thomas, , Parlez-vous bullshit?, , , , social mores are so moreish, , , When this baby hits 88mph..., Ziggy played guitar :(   

    The Psychopath Translator 

    Decoding the bullshit

    It’s true. Psychopaths (and sociopaths, if you like) aren’t the most straight-talking people in the world. Almost everything we say has some subtext or hidden layer to it, in which we say one thing but mean another. There I go doing it again. What I meant to say is we lie a lot.

    This can render effective communication with a psychopath very difficult, but no longer! Now you too can access your very own Psychopath – English dictionary, fully tailored for all your present and future dealings with God’s chosen people.

    We’ll start with a smirkingly good contribution, courtesy of M.E. Thomas over at Sociopath World:

    The Empath’s Cheat-Sheet for What a Sociopath Really Means

    1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.

    2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.

    3. I’d do anything for you: I’d do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be

    4. My condolences for your loss: *crickets* … It’s just a body. See you later when you aren’t being an emotional train-wreck.

    5. S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.

    6. I love my family: They’re mine.

    7. That’s simply shocking: You’ve touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now…

    8. Deep down, I feel I’m a good person: I’m not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?

    9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.

    Thanks, M.E.!

    I’ll continue the list myself:

    • 10. “How are you?” – Reply with something interesting or don’t bother.
    • 11. “Please could you…? / Would you mind…? / If it isn’t too much trouble…” – DO IT NOW!
    • 12. “Thank you” – Ha, sucker.
    • 13. “Thank you very much!” – You may be useful later.
    • 14. “Thanks ever so much, mate / buddy / love / dear / baby / hun etc…” – You will be useful later.
    • 15. “I hate you” – Your reaction to hurtful things amuses me.
    • 16. “Yeah, that’s really interesting!” – I stopped listening a while back and am now planning what I’m going to say to you when you finally stop.
    • 17. “It sure was nice meeting you” – I have plans for you.
    • 18. “The pleasure was all mine” – One day that will be true.
    • 19. “Yes, Sir / Madam / Mr X / Mrs Y” – You like getting your arse licked, don’t you? That slight tickle, deep in your anus? That’s the tip of my tongue.
    • 20. “Wow, you’re really [e.g. funny]” – I have recognised that you think you are [e.g. funny] so I will validate that belief and pretend to like it too in order to get you to like me.
    • 21. “Were you close to [deceased relative / pet]?” – All this crying is tedious. How long until you become fun again?
    • 22. “Allow me / Let me help you” – I haven’t got all day, so stand aside, human scum.
    • 23. “Have you thought about…? / Why don’t you try…?” – Are you really this stupid?
    • 24. “I’m really passionate about x” – I don’t give a shit about x, but for some reason you do, so…
    • 25. “Oh no! That’s terrible news!” – Ha! Tell me more! Wait, let me just grab some popcorn and a beer, then I’m all ears.
    • 26. “I’ll be in touch” – I may be in touch, if I can be bothered, or I need something.
    • 27. “I promise” – For as long as you continue to please me, you have nothing to worry about.
    • 28. “It’s my fault” – It’s your fault.
    • 29. “Sorry to change the subject, but…” – You’re boring, shut the fuck up.
    • 30. “I’m bored” – I am really, really, really fucking bored. Rustle me up some entertainment, quick!
    • BONUS! *Winks or pulls stupid face while looking into your eyes* – Either I don’t know what emotion to do, or I’m worried you caught me staring.

    Like that

    If you have anything to add to the list, or if there other phrases you’d like the Translator to decode, put them in the comments down below.

     

     
    • Rita 07:48 on January 15, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Hey, did you have to buy a new tire?

      How much of my money have you spent?

      You are more interested in someone who loves you than material things?

      I hear wedding bells.

      Translation from the other side:
      I’m sorry you’re feeling bad.
      Ha ha ha — well, see, you can too feel pain.

      Like

  • Barbara 06:55 on May 28, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , , lying, , ,   

    TOXIC HOPE 

    Three Reasons Your Relationship
    Will Never Get Better

    L.A. couples therapist featured in Time Magazine uses unique approach to marriage therapy including the acceptance that things won’t change.

    There are three reasons that your relationship cannot improve, even though you keep thinking it will. These are primary problems that are so influential that they are an obstacle that must be cleared before real progress in the relationship is possible.

    #1 Someone is frequently dishonest and that person is unwilling to identify that behavior as an individual problem that he or she wants to work on. An ongoing affair whether it is known or secret.

    #2 Psychological or medical disorders that are not treated. (Or personality disorders that are untreatable)

    These include: depression, manic depression, or menopause disorders, post traumatic stress and anxiety disorders such as obsessive-compulsive or post-traumatic stress disorder. (Include narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy or borderline personality in the personality disorders category)

    Post traumatic Stress is often a result of abusive, neglectful or violent experiences in childhood. These can experiences can profoundly affect how someone later experiences issues of trust and conflict in current relationships. If symptoms from any of these illnesses are present and the person is unwilling to get treatment for it then there is a much reduced prospect for significant change in the relationship. First things first.

    #3 One partner uses physical violence, verbal abuse, psychological manipulation or emotional intimidation and is unwilling to say that this is their individual problem that s/he wants to work on it separately from the relationship.

    Saying, “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” is a good thing to hear from your partner. More importantly though is whether the intimidation ceases. The frequency, intensity or duration should be getting better. If it doesn’t then you may have ‘Toxic Hope.’

    Toxic hope is waiting for someone to change when there is no realistic reason to believe that it will happen. Battered women, or men, who keep hoping something will change, perhaps even when their partner has never even admitted that they have a control problem; are in toxic hope. Even though there is a fair effort made; the frequency and magnitude of the continuing offenses are severe enough that the other partner does not feel safe enough to continue within the relationship.

    We emphasize ‘progress, not perfection’ so the issue isn’t that slips or mistakes are made. The important thing is does the person eventually recognize his or her responsibility in the conflict and can the person show some concern for how that affects you. Or, if one person is unable to reasonably follow the guidelines and is not willing to seek further help.

    What do I mean when I say “an individual problem that he or she is willing to work on separate from the relationship?” Or what is meant by getting ‘further help’? A person can work on the issues they struggle with alone by reading books on the subject of violence or lying but few people are able to do this without the help of others.

    Using the help of others could mean going to a professional therapist who specializes in the area that needs work or it can mean going to a self -help group for that particular problem. If physical violence is the problem then my recommendation is to attend a professionally led anger management or domestic violence group. Having worked for ten years in these groups I can say that the men are pleasantly surprised that they can learn useful methods that benefit their relationships. For most of the men it is the first time that they are exposed to the principle that being vulnerable will not result in being hurt.

    • One partner refuses to ever consider forgiving the other for some past wrong committed by the other, even when that partner has humbly asked for forgiveness.
    • Alcohol or drug dependence or abuse (prescribed medicines too!) Other addictions such as food, sex, spending, gambling or work are huge impediments to progress in a relationship which are sometimes overlooked or simply denied.

    • Leaving a psychologically violent or abusive relationship. If you feel scared that you will be hurt, pursued or injured if you leave then trust your feelings and seek help from a women’s shelter or hotline before taking action. Talk with them and consider the advice or recommendations that is given to you. The most dangerous time, physically, for the abused wife (or husband) is at the time of separating. There were armchair quarterbacks saying Nicole Brown Simpson should have left O.J. and divorced him. She was leaving him! It was then that she was killed.

      If you are physically abused by your partner call 1 800 978-3600 FREE to talk to a domestic violence counselor to learn about resources in your area. You are not alone!

    If violence is occurring in your home then break the isolation. And for the person whose anger is out of control, please seek the competent help of anger management specialists. Why wait for a neighbor’s phone call to initiate your criminal record? Do something courageous and positive NOW! Seek the help of professionals who can help you. Stop saying “I’m sorry.” and take some real steps toward repeating what probably happened in the family you grew up in.

    Checklist Before You Leave:
    If you have done these things then you can leave knowing that you did everything you could before deciding for sure to leave. These do not apply if there is violence, addiction, continuing adultery or unrepentant lying in the relationship. Things to think about when you consider ending a relationship:

    • When your partner apologizes does s/he mention both what s/he did and how s/he’s hurt you?
    • If any form of physical control, intimidation or violence occurs, does it get justified (ie. “I wouldn’t have done it if you didn’t….”)?
    • If apologies are made is there reference made to the person’s intention about changing future behavior, or is there further justification for the disrespectful behavior?
    • Are you growing in this relationship?
    • Does this person have all the signs of having a personality disorder (they can not be fixed or cured)?
    • Is the other person growing in this relationship? Is there improvement? It’s a process. Is there an expressed willingness to grow? Or are you wishing & assuming your partner wants to change his/her behavior and attitudes. Remember we’re looking for ‘Progress and not Perfection’.

    Marc Sadoff, MSW, BCD
    PACIFIC SKILLS TRAINING CO.

     
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